


we sit here, remembering the way things used to be

by advancinginreverse



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Dark Doctor (Doctor Who), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gallifrey, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Episode: s12e05 Fugitive of the Judoon, The Doctor (Doctor Who) Needs a Hug, could be interpreted as thirteen/jack i guess, give the doctor a hug 2k20, this idiot finally talks to someone, this is my first dw fanfic im so proud
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:14:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22655320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/advancinginreverse/pseuds/advancinginreverse
Summary: It's been weeks, and the Doctor is refusing to give anything away. She's shutting herself off, hiding everything behind a smile and a whole lot of words. When an old friend appears, they might just be the person she needs to finally open up.orThe Doctor finally talks to someone, and that someone is Captain Jack Harkness.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Jack Harkness, Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan & Graham O'Brien & Ryan Sinclair
Comments: 17
Kudos: 262





	1. Chapter 1

The TARDIS landed on their next planet, engines wheezing and groaning as the Doctor spun round the console flipping levers. When they finally came to a halt, she gestured to the doors, giving a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Go on then you lot – go and explore. I’ll be back in an hour or two, got loads of stuff to get done.”

Her three friends – her fam - glanced at each other warily.

“Actually Doc, why don’t you come with us?” Graham asked. The Doctor sighed. The last thing she wanted was to have to walk around some planet she’d seen many times before (she was pretty sure she’d taken them to Marxon 5, but she wasn’t certain and to be honest, didn’t really care), trying to convince her friends everything was fine.

Graham decided to take her silence and run with it, prompted by the other two (of course they were all working together, against her). “I know we can’t force you to come with us or anything, but it’ll do you good to spend some time with other people instead of all that maintenance or whatever it is you do. Besides,” he paused, “we miss ya when you don’t come along. Maintenance can wait, right?”

The Doctor knew it would be too suspicious if she didn’t go along with them now. Nodding wearily, she switched on her smile and mentally prepared herself for the few hours of pretence she was about to go through. At least her fam were happy, she supposed.

The four of them wandered through the winding city the TARDIS had landed them in, making their way through a multicoloured market. Banners and lights strung from building to building prompted the Doctor to make one of her speeches about the annual festival of colour they held in honour of one of their culture’s gods; though she struggled to remember a lot of the details, none of her companions seemed to notice or care about what she was saying (Ryan spent a lot of time staring at some floating toys on a nearby stall). So much for them missing her when she wasn’t there.

They eventually moved away from the busiest streets and found themselves in an area of the city devoted to restaurants, bars and cafes. The Doctor could tell Graham was eying up the outdoor tables and Ryan was hungry, even if he was pretending to ignore the towering displays of steaming food in the shop windows. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a familiar sign hanging on the outside of a lilac building on the corner – a bar that had been one of Rose’s favourite stops when they needed some down time.

The thought of Rose made the Doctor’s breath hitch (she still hadn’t forgotten her, forgotten what she meant to her, didn’t think she ever would) but she mentally shook herself. Not the time to get emotional.

“Alright gang, d’you want to grab some traditional Marxan food?” She fixed what she hoped was a convincing smile on her face, trying to cover up for the small wobble in her voice at the beginning. Yaz glanced at her strangely, but thankfully didn’t say anything. “They actually have a dish similar to your Yorkshire puddings – except it’s an actual dessert! Absolutely delicious.” Without waiting for an answer, the Doctor purposefully strode out towards the bar at the end of the road, remembering a few seconds later to put a spring in her step. She tried to ignore the whispers of her friends behind her.

The bar was a whole different world from outside, where the binary star system had brightly illuminated the bustling metropolis below. The interior was dark – lit only by crimson and purple light emanating from fixtures in the corners not unlike lava lamps – with softly coloured cloth strung on the ceiling, giving the room a tent-like feel. Chairs, stools, low tables and cushions were scattered in groups around a central counter, where a four-armed bartender was concocting two smoking drinks at once. A swirling mural adorned one wall. Around the room, a few people sat around making gentle conversation, but aside from the music (a slow, thrumming song similar to 60’s jazz) the bar was quiet.

The three humans immediately grabbed a table, flopping onto the cushions on the floor with contented sighs. Graham shrugged his coat off, already propping his feet up, and fished around on his pockets before triumphantly pulling out one of his signature cheese and pickle sarnies. Ryan burst out laughing, Yaz managing to make a remark about them being there for _food_ before she started laughing as well.

Wandering vaguely toward the counter to order some snacks for her friends, the Doctor’s eyes absent-mindedly glanced over the occupants of the bar. A gaggle of teen Marxans were crowded in one corner, while a few older couples sat scattered around the back – nice and quiet. She was glad for the peaceful environment; her mind was already too crowded, and she was finding it harder to shut out stray voices and thoughts from invading her space. The Doctor figured she should be more worried about losing control over her telepathy, but she was finding it hard enough to run from her own thoughts.

Drawing in a shaky breath, she realised there was another person in the bar – a figure, sat hunched over their drink at the counter. They glanced up, and the Doctor felt a jolt of recognition run through her.

“Jack?”


	2. Chapter 2

Frowning at the stranger who had called his name, Jack tried to place where he’d seen her before. That was the problem with immortality; thousands of years of faces often blurred into one another after a while. But there was definitely something familiar about this woman, something that was burning at the back of his mind, and he wished he could figure out what it was.

The woman was staring at him. Jack knew that kind of gaze – eyes that had seen ages rise and fall. He saw that gaze every time he looked in the mirror. And there was only one other person he knew who was as old as him.

“Doctor?”

The woman’s face split into a huge grin, and Jack knew he had finally found her.

Almost leaping out of his chair, he met the Doctor in his arms. The first thing that struck him was that this Doctor was _short_ – and light too, so light that he could pick her up. He did just that, both of them laughing, and he spun her round as her long coat fanned out behind her. She hadn’t lost her strange fashion sense, then, Jack thought with a chuckle as he set her down. Gazing into her hazel eyes, he properly saw for the first time just how much older they seemed than the last time he had seen her.

“Hello, you.”

He leaned forward and placed his lips on hers. Feeling her stiffen in their embrace, he pulled back, taking a cautionary step away as he searched her face for what was wrong. Seeing his worry, the Doctor gave him a small smile. “Sorry, took me a bit by surprise.”

“Bit less touchy-feely this time round, eh?” Jack joked – mainly to make her feel at ease. The Doctor’s expression was unreadable, but he could tell something was off. She didn’t respond to his comment, only heightening his concern, and he nudged her gently. “Doctor? You alright?”

At the sound of his voice the Doctor started slightly, shaking herself out of whatever haze she had been in. “Yep, I’m fine! Always fine, me, absolute king- queen of fine.” The smile was back, on like a light. She was already bouncing off towards a table where her three companions were sat like nothing had happened. “Come on, Jack! You’ve met my fam, lovely bunch, aren’t they?” He chuckled at her energy, ignoring the growing worry that something was wrong. Questioning the Doctor could wait – and besides, he wanted to get to know that silver fox better.

After some food (The Doctor hadn’t eaten anything, Jack noticed) the group headed on back to the TARDIS. Graham – the silver fox – was turning out to be a lovely man, always cracking jokes. He made Jack laugh, and he liked that in a guy. The two younger friends seemed to fit the traditional companion mould better than Graham: smart, enthralled, eager to impress. Especially Yasmin. She reminded Jack a lot of Rose, he thought with a small smile. Strong-willed, too – and she definitely had a crush of the Doctor. He didn’t blame her, to be honest.

The Time Lord in question was lagging just a bit behind the group, purposely distancing herself just far away that she wasn’t included in any conversations. She was quiet, and that worried Jack. He wanted to have a proper talk with her, but not here on the streets. Later.

Later came when Yaz, Ryan and Graham all headed off to get some sleep, leaving the two old friends in the console room. The Doctor was hidden by the central crystal while the trio said their goodnights as she fiddled with something or other, but Jack caught the slight slump of her shoulders when they left, heard the quiet sigh of someone tired of pretending.

“So Doctor, how have things been going? How long’s it been since we’ve seen each other?”

She huffed a small laugh, glancing up at him. “A long time. At least a thousand years, I think.” A faint smile and she was back at the console, examining one of her screens. Quiet, and still. Nothing like before. “How about you?”

“A couple centuries, not too long. Saw your friends about twenty years back, guessing that was pretty recent for you.” He leant against the console, smirking slightly. “You didn’t answer my other question. How are things?”

The Doctor sighed, finally looking up properly from what she was doing. “Well, the Master showed up again, if that’s any indication.” Jack’s eyes widened. “Hold on, he died – how is that possible?” She laughed bitterly. “Welcome to my world, Captain Harkness. He’s alive again, pulled that whole back from the dead trick a few times now.” No wonder there was something up with her. Friends with genocidal tendencies coming back to life tended to do that to you. Though there seemed to be something else she was holding back – something big. Jack said as much.

“Look – Doctor, I know there’s something else wrong.” Her shoulders stiffened from where she was still hunched over the console, and her face again melted into that unreadable expression Jack was starting to dread. Nevertheless, he was determined to get the whole truth – so he decided to press her. “Don’t bother feeding me any of that nonsense you’re leading on your friends with, I’ve known you too long for this. Talk to me.”

“I’m _fine_ ”, the Doctor hissed through clenched teeth. “Can’t you just leave me be?”

“No, because you need to talk to someone.,” Jack insisted. “Sure, your other companions might be new to this whole thing, they might not understand, but I’ve known you almost my entire life. You don’t need to hide anything from me.” Seeing the doubt in her eyes, he carefully put his arms around her – wanting to comfort her in some way – but she twisted out of his embrace, walking quickly backwards. “Don’t, Jack. You can’t do anything about it.”

“Don’t be like that, Doctor.” Jack was getting annoyed now. “I can help if you let me.”

“You can’t bring a whole planet back, can you?”

He stopped dead. The silence that settled over the console room was stifling, like a thick blanket. When he finally spoke, his voice was quiet. “What do you mean?”

“Gallifrey.” He could finally see the emotion on her face, the emotion she had been doing her best to hide this whole time. “I had found a way to stop it being destroyed, I had saved them, hid them in a pocket universe – but he burned it. All of it. Again.”

Jack was shaken. He had expected it to have been smaller, maybe a trip gone awry, lost friends – but nothing like this. Not on this scale. The Doctors he had known had been coping with the loss of their home as well, but they had had longer to come to terms with it, had been slowly healing. Now, though, she had lost Gallifrey all over again, and Jack knew this grief was fresh.

The Doctor drew in a shaky breath. “This is the point where you leave.”

He couldn’t leave her like this. She needed to talk with someone, needed the comfort of another person-

“Leave. Now.”

With the Doctor’s gaze piercing him like that, with the shadow of the Oncoming Storm on her face, Jack knew he had no choice but to do as she said. With one last glance over his shoulder, he slowly walked up the steps and out of the console room. He would have to talk to her in the morning – Jack just hoped she would stay together until then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jack was such a difficult character to write - and the fact that I haven't watched the episodes he's in in a while didn't help.. but they finally met!! It's gone a bit differently from how I planned but it makes the final chapter fit better, so i'm happy with how it's all going. final chapter tomorrow hopefully :)


	3. Chapter 3

A gentle shake and quiet hum of the engines awoke Jack from a slightly fitful rest. The landing was much less dramatic than he was used to (he had many memories of being thrown halfway across the console room as the Doctor rushed around) so he guessed this was supposed to be a covert, private trip. However, he was awake now, and he still felt guilty for leaving her alone earlier when she so obviously needed company, so Jack pulled on his greatcoat and headed off along the corridor.

The trip to the console room seemed shorter than usual – perhaps the TARDIS agreed that the Doctor shouldn’t be alone. Amber light filtered through the open door as Jack arrived, contrasting quite heavily with the deep blue illuminating the interior. A few clouds of dust drifted in on the light breeze outside.

As the room was deserted, Jack knew the Doctor must have already left, so he quietly walked to the doors and glanced out.

He wasn’t prepared for what he saw.

Mindlessly, the Doctor wandered through the broken streets of the Citadel, the whispers of the dead echoing in her head. She didn’t know where she was going, how far she had come, only that she had to get away. Get away from people. Get away from pretending. The Doctor was so, _so_ sick of pretending.

It was almost ironic, she thought, that in escaping from everything else she had come to the one place she had always been running from. Even as a child, she – he - had looked up at the stars and longed to be up there amongst them. Adventuring in the cosmos.

Now here she was, mourning her entire planet for the second time. All those people, all those children (2.47 billion children, 2.47 billion lives she thought she had saved only for them to die, _again_ ), gone while she kept her eyes fixed on the stars – and she finally tore her gaze away, only to be greeted by smoke and ruin. An empty battleground.

At least there was a planet left to mourn this time.

Suddenly she registered the thud of boots on rock and all at once there was someone shouting her name.

“Doctor!”

Jack had followed her. Of course he had. He was just behind her now, breathing heavily, trying to catch his breath. She didn’t want to have to deal with this. Not now. She could already feel her façade crumbling.

Before she could turn away and leave Jack here, he caught her wrist. “Wait, Doctor.” He stepped in front of her. “Please, can’t we just talk?”

She stayed quiet.

“This is Gallifrey, isn’t it? The orange sky, the glass dome you talked about once…” Jack’s eyes softened, his gentle grip like an open door into his mind, filling the Doctor’s head with pity and empathy.

His thoughts were so _loud._

“Stop it.”

Jack immediately looked a bit sheepish. “Sorry - I’ll stop.”

_But she won’t talk to me. She won’t let me help and I wish she would just-_

“No, you need- you need to stop _thinking.” Too loud._ The Doctor snatched her wrist out of his grasp, holding it close to her chest protectively. “I don’t want your pity.” She tried to be harsh, she really did, but her mind was too crowded and she wasn’t sure pushing him away was working any more.

Jack was staring at her, bewilderment written all over his face. “Am I- okay. I’m pretty sure I’m missing something here.”

The Doctor smiled wanly, a gesture that no longer meant anything to her. “Touch telepath.”

“Ah.”

She let out a breath, turning away from him. He let her. Even without Jack’s thoughts battling her own, echoes of an entire planet of telepaths were pressing on her mind and even her thoughts were overwhelming her. It was getting too much.

“I’m just so tired of death, Jack.” The Doctor’s voice cracked and there he was, enveloping her in a hug. So far, she had avoided physical contact like a plague – she didn’t want to break down her walls, didn’t want to let herself get too close to anyone before inevitably being left alone again – but now, exposing her vulnerability like this, the Doctor realised just how much she had needed that comfort. Those walls she had built up using a lifetime of experience and grief were falling down now, because of Jack, and she knew now that it was bound to happen sooner or later. But as her head rested on his chest and her arms wrapped around him, she found she was glad that she didn’t have to pick up the pieces alone.

They stood there for a while, intertwined amongst the ruins, not needing any words to communicate. Eventually, Jack pulled back slightly and gently swept a tear off the Doctor’s cheek. She hadn’t even realised she was crying.

“Why don’t we carry on this conversation back at the TARDIS?” Jack smiled slightly. “It’ll be a lot less dusty there.”

The Doctor let out a small chuckle, a genuine smile creeping up onto her face. “Yeah, sounds like a good idea.”

In the kitchen, the Doctor explained everything that had happened involving the Master as Jack made them both some tea. He was a good listener when he needed to be, she noticed – something she hadn’t realised before. When she got to their conversation atop the Eiffel Tower, his face darkened.

“I could murder that bastard.”

The Doctor half smiled. “My other friends feel very much the same way.”

Jack frowned slightly, leaning forward. “Speaking of your friends, why haven’t you talked about any of this with them? You never used to hide this much stuff from people before.”

Her smile faded. “Bad experiences. I met them when I had just regenerated, after I fell through a train- “ Jack’s mouth opened in a question, but she cut him off, “-long story, maybe another time. We had to stop an alien going around killing people, but...” She looked down. “Grace - Graham’s wife, Ryan’s grandma – died. Just before that, two of my friends were killed by Cybermen in one of the Master’s schemes. He had teamed up with a future version of himself, a woman, and she betrayed me.” Feeling Jack’s hand grip hers, the Doctor exhaled. “Didn’t want to get hurt like that again if they decided not to travel with me.”

There was silence.

“Sounds like you really needed to get that off your chest, Doctor.” Jack huffed slightly. “Maybe find someone you can talk to before you explode with supressed emotions next time, eh?”

The Doctor smiled at him. “Well, I know who I’ll come and talk to.” Taking a sip of her sugary tea, she rested her head on his shoulder. “Thank you, Jack.”

“Any time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally done! I've pretty much been going to school, coming home and writing then editing this for the past few days, so it's good to finish writing. The ending might have been a bit rushed as I added the extra scene, but i hope you enjoyed!

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea for a while, but being the perfectionist and procrastinator I am I hadn't properly written any of it out until today. Feel free to tell me about any mistakes as I didn't want to read over it too much for fear of thinking it's stupid and ending up not publishing it haha


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